my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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