I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
