sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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