Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
