o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
