i permit you to call me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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