apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
