so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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