I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Someone shattered a urinal.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
