I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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