Betty ford says i'm here all night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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