Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
