i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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