You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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