and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
