She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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