I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
