Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
