so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
