Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
