She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
