Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
