This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
