I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
