My liver just broke up with me...
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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