I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
