omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
