Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
