sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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