So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
