You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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