i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
