I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
