The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im holly from the hills drunk
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
