Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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