Please, let me fuck your mom
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
