man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
