I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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