Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
be right there i have to get my cape
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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