I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I touched a dick in church today
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