There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
