May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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