i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
