It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
