well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
