I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
