My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What drink are we having for lunch?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
