: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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