I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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