I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
